POLYGAMY MAKEOVER!

For the dozens of top-level TV execs who leap out of bed each morning & race to your computers to log on to my blog, here's my new show pitch idea of the week: Polygamy Makeover! I'll un-earth the "Man From Glad" white helicopter and after I take an accelerated class on helicopter flying, I'll smoothly (hopefully) descend upon my first polygamist compound to liberate the women of whatever bizarre Mormon-esque sect from their unfortunate anti-fashion/anti-grooming prison. Think Paul Lynde armed with hot curlers, a Clairol True-To-Light mirror and an entourage of fag minions to help with the actual demo and rebuilding of these aesthetic train wrecks. These poor gals wouldn't have made it as extras on Little House on the Prairie. I'm not talking about transforming them into Nicollette Sheridan from Desperate Housewives. I'll take them to places like Talbots and Lily Pulitzer and ease them into a suburban/country club chic look. Maybe a retro Catalina casuals vibe for the younger chicks. After providing them with several new all occasion outfits, they'll be rushed-- presidential motorcade style via Secret Service-like blacked-out Chevrolet Suburbans-- to a low key salon that's used to overhauling rich-but-way-let-go housewives just released from exclusive rehab facilities. More of a triage center than salon, they'll be given an initial going-over with adapted for personal grooming use power garden tools by Black and Decker to take care of their various and numerous de-landscaped issues: overgrown crotch bushes, gorilla combat hairy legs/pits and Howard Hughes/Guinness Book mani-pedi situations. It's probably a good idea to have a few registered nurses on hand to introduce them to the necessary feminine hygiene products. Seafoam green vans of Clinique ladies will deploy to spray, smooth, creme, dust, buff, varnish, sand & paint the newest over-the-counter make-up & beauty remedies. They'll transform into stunning women Tova Borgnine would be proud to know & lavishly entertain at her sprawling Beverly Hills manse. A battalion of Vietnamese women with shining chrome implements will perform a ballet-like choreographed maneuver to a Euro-disco beat, ala "Handsome Pretty Beauty Ninjas". If you think this is a drastic approach then you don't know what's going on underneath those maxi-dresses trimmed in rick-rack. It's the reason their husbands are pedophiles for chrissake-- they can't get through the matted pubic hair so they're forced to becoming chicken hawks. As you know, practically every serious world crisis or psycho-social matter can be easily resolved with just a little grooming. We'll get rid of those Aunt Bea buns and turn them into sassy page boys, some with bangs, others reminiscent of Lee Grant's/Miriam Polar's up-swept do. With sun-glitzed streaks in their hair and fresh spray-on tans, let me tell you those husbands won't ever look at another 11 year old again. Their snatches, expertly groomed into heart-shaped goatees and smelling Jean Nate' fresh, will be ready for private unveiling like they're fine, priceless sculptures. These newly empowered women will emerge with a spring in their strut as they return to the commune, sounding like a platoon of flamenco dancers as the clickity-clack of stilettos scream: Momma's home-- get ready for some eye candy! Clipped, waxed, painted, fumigated, plucked, massaged, sea weed wrapped, dressed and sassed, singing their new anthem in unison. Linda Lavin's signature song-- Alice's "There's a New Girl in Town and She's Looking GOOD! There's a Fresh Smiling Face in the Neighborhood! Those pervert daddies will drop their underage wives off their laps and welcome Mommy back with a Costco Size Mormon Boner the ladies haven't seen since they got first period. I smell a ratings bonanza! Revolving special guest co-stars will include Ruta Lee and actress/beauty expert, Miss Polly Bergen. Just think of all the hair we'll donate after only the first episode to those people who make wigs for cancer patients. It's a win-win, fellas!